Today I am tired. I feel physically, mentally, and emotionally just drained.
It's been a busy week. I am getting really sick of babysitting. The kids I watch are generally good kids and it's not a hard job persay but their dad changes the schedule around all the time which is very frustrating. There is no space in our home for 4 kids to run and play and scream and it is getting harder to cope with. I don't know what is up with this but it seems like every day they are here is a cold, windy, and ugly day so we get trapped inside. It's hard. I hate being the mean lady telling everyone to stop screaming and stop yelling but I end up doing that. By the time the kids leave and James gets home I am toast. Yesterday around dinnertime I completely lost it and yelled at everyone and it was awful. I don't like feeling so overwhelmed and trapped. I hate being angry like that.
This house is giving me pains again. I just can't seem to be content with it and I am trying as hard as I can. I just hate the lack of space, the lack of yard. Tensions among neighbors is rising because we are all trapped here and none of us is happy. I had a neighbor actually send their kid out to pick up after my kids while they were still playing a couple weeks ago, they were moving rocks around and apparently that neighbor was bugged by it. Everyone wants their own space but none of us can have it since everything is communal. It's insanely tough some days. We have done the best we can and we will keep plugging along but we are entertaining the idea of finding a renter again. We would just rent a home here in Parker that has more room. It's just such a difficult decision. I want to get out of here sooooooo bad but not if it's going to cause us financial difficulty. My worse nightmare is moving back in here. Once we are out I want to be out for good but if we are renting this to someone there is always the possibility that we would at some point lose a renter and not be able to find another one and be forced back in here. The idea of moving back in here seems worse than the thought of never leaving in the first place.
James is plugging away at his schooling and I think we are both realizing how hard this is gonna be. He's up til after 10 every night doing his school work. As soon as the kids go to bed he plugs in and keeps at it. Then I come up to bed and I am bursting with the need for adult conversation so I keep us awake discussing stuff til midnight. We are both tired from it. I can see this is going to be a LONG two years.
We leave on vacation next week. I am looking forward to the break from routine and also to having James around every day although he will still have to do school work. I hope the weather is nice in the Carolinas, I am looking forward to warmer temperatures and sunshine. Not that it's been horrible weather here. Maggie is staying with a doggie babysitter while we are gone and the cats are going to stay here. One of my friends and her kids are going to check in on them a few times. This weekend we will have to do packing lists and pack, I want our bags ready to go on Sunday night, save our bathroom necessities.
I have joined a new local AP group and I also have 3 leader applicants for my LLL group. I am thrilled to have more people to share the load with, believe it or not Parker is becoming quite the place for attached and natural parenting. I never would have thought! It's nice to have a local group to hang out with again, the kids especially enjoy all the social activities.
I have also signed up to be a foster parent for Retriever Rescue of Colorado. I know, it doesn't make much sense after I was complaining about how we have no room in this house! I just figure we all need to do our part and I can give two things that foster homes need to have, time and attention. We don't have a lot of space but at least I can provide a safe place for a dog to stay temporarily while a permanent home is found. The rescue provides food, a crate, collar, leash, and medical care, the main thing the dogs need is a place to sleep and time to find a family. I hope we can help make a little difference. It's a much better situation for a dog than a shelter would be. When we need a break we just say no, or if a dog proves to be too much for whatever reason the rescue will move them to a different foster home immediately. It sounds like they have a very good organization going, I guess we'll see. We haven't decided for sure when we will take our first dog, we are all approved, we just need to figure out the timing.
Anyway, this is a long and fairly boring post so I will stop. I'm generally a "the glass is half full" sort of girl but today I just feel out of sorts. The kids are down for a nap and I should really take advantage and shut my eyes for awhile too.